Category Archives: Entertainment

The Friendly Skies

Back from Hawaii with lots to tell … But before I do, let me share a bit about our flights …

> Our outbound flight attendants from SLC to LA were the classic kind that looked down their noses at each passenger and seemed incredibly bored to be amongst the lower classes.  Resign yourself to self-suffiecieny because they are just waaaaaaaaay to busy to deal with minions.
 
> LA to Hawaii – Some of the perkiest fellas ever!  Swishy doesn’t begin to describe it … it was more of a sashay-glide thing.  SOOOO super swell to watch… beverage service was the BEST.  I asked for water, no pretzels etc.  Picture this:  The right eyebrow raises, the hands fly up to the chest as he exclaims, “oh, honey are you shorrrre about that?”  … instant bonding that earned me little winks of understanding the rest of the flight.  (in hindsight, he was probably directing those winks to Mr. Farish … who slept almost the entire flight)
 
> HI back to SLC – definitely the “senior attendants”  I swear not a one was under 60 years old!  Swear to it!  Old, gray and utterly worn out after the first foray down the aisle with the beverage cart.  Poor ol’ gays and gals!  Lane and I were laughing like giddy punch-drunk college kids as we watched the ubber red lipstick of one glide ever so slowly down her mouth lines and onto her chin … you’ve all seen your Aunt Marge after tea … the cheek powder is caking, the lipstick smearing and oh my, are people really still painting on their eyebrows?  (I wonder if one gets tired of always looking so surpised?)  I have never in my life seen such a filthy airplane at the conclusion of a flight.  The senior citizens, clearly up way past their usual 7 pm bedtime had definitely given in to exhaustion!  trash everywhere and believe it or not, some of the seniors were actually sitting down instead of thanking us for flying … I think the utterance of a simple “Buh-bye” might very well have exhausted their very last breath… therefore, conserve.  
 
Sometimes the in-flight antics are better than the in-flight movies … of which I saw many.

in-flight food service?  go here:  http://sandraspantry.wordpress.com

Aloha

In a few short hours Mr. Farish and I will be boarding a plane for Hawaii.  A spur of the moment vacation for me and a working vacation for Mr. F.  I can’t begin to tell you how timely this is.   See you in seven days … Aloha!

Constellation Faker

This morning I awoke to the remnants of a swirly, wet, shiver-inducing, winter storm.   New-fallen snow illuminated by the most beautiful full moon in the clear black sky.  Still and dark, it was a sight to behold. 

For as far back as I can remember I have loved the night sky.  I faked my way through the Big Dipper, Orion and being true to my zodiac sign; Leo.  Pretending that I too could see and understand the mysteries of the constellations when each were pointed out.   Not so the moon.   Night after night he rises to his glory, whether feeling small like a toenail clipping, or grand as a hot air balloon, Mr. Moon is a dependable friend in a sometimes unfriendly world.   While some fear the unknown of the night, I enjoy the mysteries that await as the sun slumbers. 

As a child a summer moon meant drive-in movies, endless games of ‘No Bears are out Tonight’ and only the spookiest of ghost stories.  Running blindly and the thrill of the unknown … how I loved that summer moon.  As a teenager making out under a moon-lit sky was simply the best.  Watching airplanes land late at night and pretending the only navigation was the alignment of the moon and stars was thrilling.  Summer night games and more ghost stories.   Grand!

Unpredictable and yet so predictable.  I have always known that no matter where my life goes, when friends have come and gone, when my negative thoughts about myself were too strong and everything seemed so out of reach and unattainable, I only have to gaze upward to feel a calm, quiet acceptance to reflect, reassess and renew my spirit.  It’s no wonder that falling asleep and waking to the face the moon fills me with hope for each new day.  Love my guy, the moon.

“Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” ~Anton Chekhov

SheMales Need Not Apply

See this man … LIGHT MY FLIER!  Malik Turner, outside his Harlem homeyesterday, has beenposting this personal ad at payphones around the city,including this onein Hell's Kitchen.

This is one, Malik Turner, a lonely man of 40 years old looking for “promiscuous sex”: 2 girls to his one manly-man-self.  Applicants must be drug and disease free, no hookers, she-males, transvestites or dominatrix need apply.  No, Mr. Malik Turner just wants what every red-blooded American male yearns for; commitment free lovin’. 

It seems that our poor hero has been having trouble in the female department and decided to broaden his prospects.  How? you ask.  Possessing the brain of a 4 year old, (gosh, I hope I haven’t offended any preschoolers here), Mr. Turner hand wrote and posted fliers that he subsequently posted on public payphones around the city of New York… nice!  

See for yourself …

Click to read!

Just in case your readers aren’t up to speed, I’ll break it down for you …

First the stats:      Age – 40, lives at home with mama, single (well I should hope so), sorts mail for UPS.

Now while I would love to outline all of Mr. Malik Turners ‘favorites’ I think the real important stuff (outside of his love for the Lamborghini and Ferrari) is the actual requirments that he has posted for the many respondents to his ad.                 ladies? Are you ready?

Nationalities: American, Canadian, Hispanic, British, Australian, Italian, Swedish and Native American within the age range of 21 -45.  Interested females should be big chested, leggy, curvy, voluptuous (not fat), with a gorgeous face and long fingernails.  Hair color must be either blonde or red and it must be LONG … there are no exceptions here ladies.  

Now for the real nitty-gritty: Habits.  Must not smoke, may drink  occasionally and be very promiscuous (remember the 2:1 ratio mentioned above).  Applicants must be willing to take turns paying for dates, no freeloaders need apply, and allow this very special guy to use a condom (writers note: please ladies, please, do allow this man to use a condom, procreation should be discouraged at all costs).  May I reiterate that this fine offer is for lovin’ only, no commitments, just some mutual dutch-treat fun.

Now I would like to say that Mr. Malik Turner recieved lots of dates and made some very special new friends from this finely written, very heart-felt flyer, but alas: some nosy-bodied someone called his mama to report what her dear son had been up to.  Mama wasn’t amused.  Now I can’t say for sure whether or not Malik Turner has been grounded, but I can pretty much guarantee he got a good talkin’ to … and I bet every one of those fliers have  disappeared from those phone booths.

So Long Mr. Blackwell

It wasn’t too long ago that people actually had some respect for themselves and others.  Sometimes this was manifest in simple gestures: opening a door for someone or waiting your turn in line.  Sometimes it was more overt: excusing yourself for letting a burp or (God forbid) a big smelly fart rip out. 

That was then …

It seems that nowadays there are no holds barred.  It’s a free for all and people are dead-set on claiming their “rights”.  No more simple gestures, no more excusing.  Now we are inundated with a bunch of cell-talking, expletive flying, crazy driving masses of citizens demanding unearned respect. 

Okay, so we’ve moved forward.  Some more graciously than others.  I can accept that.  What I cannot abide by however are the people that have apparently left all decorum at the door and dared to venture out to share their assests with the world … and not in a very good way either.

Take for example, this dude:

fashion fails - The Scottish Mobster Fairy

What, I ask?  What are you thinking appearing in public like that?

How about this little gem:

fashion fail - Stars and Bars

Makes the guy on the right look down-right snappy.

Ya gotta love:

Well, I don’t know what it is, but you have to admit, it’s a head-turner.

Now I don’t know about you, but when I think fashion, I’m NOT thinking this:

fashion fail - I wish they all could be California Girls....

Maybe I’m just jealous ‘cuz I can’t carry the look:

Fashion Fail - Even for Amanda Lepore, This is BAD

I hope to never catch Mr. Farish in this:

fashion fail - Nice Gloves

Although he could carry it off like a champ.

What is the world coming to when this is ok?

Fashion Fail - The New NYPD Uniform?

I do not know.

What I do know is that I will be stopping at Sams Club on my way home to purchase an industrial size bottle of soap so that I can try and cleanse my eyes of these disturbing images.  Let me know if I should get some for you too.

They Keep me Laughing

 
I arrived home from work yesterday to a house full of kids, er, teenagers.  It was loud.  It was boisterous.  It was DIVINE! 
 
When my kids were small I made a point of hosting playdates, organizing outings and always including others.  I wanted my house to be the go-to place.  I wanted my kids to feel free to have their friends over, and I wanted their friends to feel welcome anytime.  Sometimes it was hard.  Sometimes I played referee.  Sometimes I bandaged knees and elbows and fingers.  Sometimes I made so many PB&J’s and wiped so many sticky faces that I wondered if what I really had was a big ol’ daycare without the benefit of pay.  But you know what?  I was paid.  Paid in smiles and hugs and thank-yous.  I was happy watching my kids learn to share and interact with others.  I was so proud to see their daily kindnesses as they shared toys and snacks and secrets.  Let’s face it; I was in HEAVEN!
 
It wasn’t always easy.  Mr. Farish would have preferred that I have a "real job".  I knew that what I was doing was in fact the most important job I would ever have.  I was preparing my kids for the world.  Preparing them to become productive and responsible citizens.  I was teaching them life lessons and values that they would carry forward once I was no longer there to catch them.  There was no monetary amount that could ever surpass what I earned while home with my children.  None!
 
As I entered my house last night, wandering from room to room, enjoying the laughter, listening to the various conversations, I knew that my time at home had been very well spent.  Priceless!

Hollywood Squares


These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course

Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh