He’s Going to Need Some Ice

Found in the Associated Press this morning:
 
"A Michigan man has won the world Rock Paper Scissors championship in Toronto. Tim Conrad clinched the title after five hours of play and nine matches at the Steam Whistle Brewery on Saturday night.  Facing off against his best friend in the first all-American final in championship history, Conrad beat Tom Butkin with paper covering rock.  Organizers say Conrad dressed as Captain America during the competition to honor his home country.  Conrad takes home $7,000 in prize money.  The championship was organized by the World RPS Society." 2009 Associated Press
 
Now THIS is an article worthy of breaking down: 
 
1) – A Rock-Paper-Scissor Championship … how does one know about these things?  I picture an ad in the back of a superhero comic book…next to the skinny kid getting sand kicked in his face by the muscular bully the females are going ga-ga over.  There sits Tim Conrad, comic book in hand, a tad unhappy that his comic adventure is over and he has to wait for the next installment to hit the comic book store.  He is about to close said comic, when lo and behold, there it is! 
 
                 "Do you have skills?  Are you a competitor?  Do you like to win? 
            Would you like to be the envy of all your friends?  If you answered
            ‘YES’ to each of these questions, here is your opportunity!  Enter
             to win the Rock-Paper-Scissors contest today!" 
 
Suddenly Mr. Tim Conrad of Toronto feels a calling deep from within … "Ti-im, Ti-im?  This is your chance, your 15 minutes, your destiny.  You must enter, you can WIN!" 
 
2). He "clinched the contest after 5 hours of play and 9 matches"…  There he stands, bent at the waist, an attempt is made at eye contact in an effort to read his opponents next move, sweaty hand thrust forward as he awaits for the caller to chant:, "ROCK-PAPER-SCISSORS-GO!"  Only to be met with, "Tie!"  another round: "TIE!" again … "TIE!"  The tension mounts until …
 
A much deserved and well-earned break is called: they go to neutral corners; shoulders slumped, mouths dry, hands wet.  A drink, perhaps a Triscuit with cheese is offered, hands are dried and chalked. The whistle blows, play continues…
 
3). Mr. Tim Conrad of Toronto suddenly has an epiphany … "my opponent seems to really like the ‘rock’ move … Hmmm, I wonder" … he watches, he gages, he makes his move… and then it happens;  who would have thought that after five hours all it would take is paper over rock?    
 
Did you note that the contest took place at the ‘Steam Whistle Brewery’?  How many brews do you suppose Mr. Conrad and friend consumed?  Or did they both abstain to keep sharp and maintain their wits about them?   "Barkeep, put mine on ice; it’s gonna be awhile." 
 
4). He was dressed as Captain America … not one thing to add here … that line says it all.
 
"Hmmm, let’s see.  I do look good in my Superman cape, but for some reason, it just doesn’t feel right.  Nope, I’m thinking Captain America.  I WILL represent my country.  I will make America proud!"
 
5). $7,000 in prize money.  Well  really, Rock-Paper-Scissors is fun.  That’s a goodly chunk for Christmas.  That’s a helluva lot of first edition comics.  I’m in! 
 
6). The WORLD RPS SOCIETY … No dues necessary.  Just bring your old comics to trade. Join today and one day you too can be a winner, just like Mr. Tim Conrad of Toronto!
 
Mr. Tim Conrad, I salute you!
 
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