Oh Martha!

(aka: If You Can’t Say Anything Nice…)
I’m sitting here watching The Martha Stewart Halloween special.  Could the woman be more dull?  I haven’t seen dear Martha post prison stint, apparently I haven’t missed anything. Sure she has some really great ideas (thanks to her bevy of minions), but really, the woman needs a personality transplant with a dose of humility thrown in! 
Am I being too snippy when I ask: "Martha, do you really think you are being inventive and clever when you show us how to freeze water in a rubber glove in order to make a scary ice hand?"  Oh, Martha!  People have been making those forever … and guess what?  I have NEVER put ground cornmeal on the pan before freezing, (a rebel am I!).  Oh and Martha, only an idiot would try to put water in a mask without covering the eye and mouth holes first!
Let’s move on to the pumpkin segment. I wonder how many people have ever thought to carve anything other than triangle eyes, nose and curved mouth with one tooth?  Probably no one.  Oh, Martha, please do show us another way!  What?  You mean to say I can make a haunted house?  Is it really possible to cut out rectangles for windows and doors?  Oh Martha, more, more, more!  What? I can?  Really?  There are alternatives to lighting a pumpkin without using a candle?  Revolutionary, I say. 
Whooo Hoooo, it’s costume time!  Pity the child forced to wear a black trash bag lovingly called a witch costume.  More pity to the child that Martha commands to cluck like a chicken … poor little thing was terrified of her highness, (I bet she wet her pants during that segment). 
Martha dear, I do enjoy your attempts at being down-home and folksy, but Hon, it’s just a bit too unnatural and contrived.  Your guests are uncomfortable, your interrupting is rude, but when you talk down to me; OH Martha, where is the remote?

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